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Crashing Down

Title: Crashing Down
Author: [info]stripesco04_nur
Rating: PG
Pairing: Julian/Sammy  slight Julian/Vivian
Summary: Sammy's in the hospital and Julian's afraid to lose him...
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lovex boys. This is completely untrue...
A/N: My first Lovex slash fic. First thing that came to mind, that I just had to write out...


Today was the day you died Sammy... And you know what? Today was the day my little "fantasy world" came crashing down as well.
We all knew you weren't going to make it... 

"He's got pancreatic cancer... And I'm afraid it's already at stage three."

Jesus, how I cried so hard after given the news from the doctor. Why hadn't you told us about the pain you had, Sammy? Why? 
As the doctor had continued to explain what he needed to do to make you more comfortable, I had sneaked away and rushed into your hospital room.
"Is it true?"
"What?"
Try as I could... I couldn't bring myself to say "you have cancer?". Instead I had choked on my sentence and you had jumped out of the hospital bed and held me to you tightly.
I remember you guided us over to the bed, and once we were in the bed, I quickly buried myself into your body. 
You had begun to share countless lies into my ear as I had snuggled and gazed up at the ceiling in wonder...

As the weeks had progressed, I feared you would change... Slow down or whatever. But you didn't. You had still remained good-natured:  Letting the other guys use you in the butt of their jokes, drawing weird yet interesting sketches in your sketchbook, and of course giving me reassuring kisses ever private moment we could afford.

Every night, I had prayed to whatever God(s) were up there that they would make you better; if anyone’s listening up there... Please, please make my Sammy all better. Please... Don't take him away from me! Amen...
Of course, it seems as if I'm hated, because last night was the night I heard the truth about you...

It was due to Theon's loud voice that got me up. I sat up, holding my head as my vision swarmed a little. I had fallen asleep on the couch of our recording studio...
I glanced down at my shoes, until I heard Jason telling Theon to be less quiet. I snickered softly before going out into the hallway. I was going to tell Theon that he should close his mouth once in awhile, but stopped as I heard Jason asking about Sammy...
"How's Sammy doing, Theon?"
"Not good... His condition has worsened."
"Christ! You mean he's...?"
"Dying? Yep. The doctors already confirmed that he probably won't make it to see the end of the week."
"......"
"God, Jason! Why didn't he tell us he was having back pains, and random dizzy-spells?"
"Shh, Theon. Julian might be awake, and I don't think it's a good idea to be yelling all this information out in the open..."

Tears had pricked out the corner of my eyes, and covering my open mouth with my hand, I had rushed from the studio out onto the streets; where I hailed a taxi.
The drive to the hospital had been long, and the cab driver kept asking if I were okay. I had nodded my head, and tried to wipe the tears away.
After tipping the driver, I rushed towards your room...

You greeted me with a warm smile, but your eyes held something else, and I had fallen to the floor, crying and just literally breaking down in front of you. Something I hoped never to do in front of you...
"Julian!"
Your voice got through to me, and I tried to stop crying, but finding it useless. I stood up and head over towards you; letting you guide me into the bed next to you.
"S-Sammy..." I had cried out, sobbing against your neck where I hid my face. You made shushing noises; rocking me and kiss the top of my head repeatedly.
Finally as the tears dried and my sobbing subsided, you began telling me yet another useless promise:  "Julian... I can tell that you probably already found out the truth. My health isn't great... I'm slipping away every day."
I covered my ears, 'cause I didn't want to hear the truth! But you pulled my hands away from my ears.
"Julian, if I don't make it..."
"You will make it Sammy! I know you will!"
"Please Julian, let me continue... As I was saying, if I don't make it... Don't ever think I left you forever. I will always be beside you... Sort of like a guarding angel. And I'll always be here."
You had pressed your palm against my chest, and I could hear my heart beating widely.
I had stared from your palm up to your face. Your eyes shone and I snuck forward; kissing you deep. We pulled apart for air and you had said, "I promise that you will find a new lover."
My face had gotten scrunched up in confusion and I muttered out how I didn't want a new lover. 

All I wanted was you, Sammy...

You had kissed me again, and I had fallen drowsily against you... The last thing I remembered was you kissing my head, holding me tight, and humming some random tune.
Everything was as it should've been that night...

The next thing I knew, there was a loud beeping noise going off. I had cursed loudly as I tried to snuggle closer to you, but suddenly there was light shining from above.
Voices sounded out from every corner, and I whimpered. Hands grabbed me, and they pulled me away from you! 
I screamed and tried to fight them, but to no avail...
I was forced to sit in a waiting room chair as the hospital called the other guys. They came at once, and Christian and Theon kept asking if I was okay.
I couldn't answer them, 'cause my heart was beating violently; muting their voices.

When I saw the doctor come out of your room with his head down, I already had feared the worse.
"I'm sorry..."
That was all I heard, because I was running out the doors by then. I heard one of the guys shout my name, but it didn't make me stop.
Tears began burning their way down my face, and they blurred my vision. And when I stopped, rubbing the tears away, I noticed that I was suddenly in a park...

"Damn you Sammy!" I had shouted into the night. My legs collapsed on their own accord and I began pounding at the ground, wishing it would open up and take me.
"Julian? Is that you?" 
A voice scares me out of my thoughts, and I try to keep quiet, but the sobs fly right out of my lips.
I see a form standing above me and I look up to see Vivian looking down at me. 
"God, Julian... Why'd you run?" 
"You know why..."
Vivian nods his head before slipping down next to me. He pulls me into his chest and I cry heavily into his chest. He rocks me, while hugging me tightly again and again.

I stop crying as I feel Vivian kiss my cheek. I look up at him in wonder and he says calmly, "I know it must be hard, Julian... Losing Sammy and everything, but I have to tell you this," I watch Vivian take a deep breath before continuing, "I love you. And I've loved you for a long time now, but I knew you were with Sammy."
I'm speechless and I look at the ground. 
"Julian, please say something..." 
I turn towards him, but find it hard to say anything... Sammy's gone and now I have a coming out statement shoved into my face? 
I wrap my arms around Vivian's waist and smash my face into his neck/shoulder. He hugs me again, and I whisper into the fabric of his jacket, "I don't know what to say Vivian... Give me time, but tonight... Don't leave me."
"I won't." He promises, kissing the top of my head as I began to doze off...

The sun begins to rise, and its rays wake me up. 
Vivian’s still asleep with his arms around me. I smile at him and lift my gaze up to the sky. The sky holds so many colors in the early dawn:  The dark blue, pink with a hint of purple to them, and gold outlining some of the clouds in the sky. The light blue sky is starting to arise, and all I can think about is how these are some of the colors you used to use when you made patterns for me on tour...
Tears glisten in my eyes as I watch the sky, and when the wind blew I swear I heard a faint "Julian".

I hear a groan and turn to see Vivian getting out of his cramped position and stretching.
Was this what you meant, Sammy? About having a new lover? Did you know about Vivian? 
Well... Maybe I could give it a try... Being with Vivian. It might be good for me. 

Right Sammy?


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Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
honigtropfen
Aug. 7th, 2008 02:30 pm (UTC)
i really liked the story. it was well written and very touching.
it's difficult losing somebody you love like this.
i found it a bit insensitive of vivian to confess his feelings for julian RIGHT after sammy died. he should have waited with that.
stripesco04_nur
Aug. 7th, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you! And yeah it is a little bit insensitive of Vivian... I guess it just helps the story flow.
lovexgirl
Aug. 28th, 2011 09:44 pm (UTC)
Poor Julian... It made me cry... Well written!
Right Sammy?
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )